My Story

*I was a normal kid, happy and worry free until my father took photo’s of me back and front   in bathers one day to show me how fat and horrible I looked. I was 10 years old. Something inside me changed even at that early age. I went out to the back storeroom of the shop my parents owned and smashed a piece of glass and started cutting into my wrist area. Back then there was no such thing as self harming. I knew nothing of it. No one did it back then in 1978 where I was from. So I have no idea #why this became my outlet to release all my pain and hurt. I believe self harming is inbuilt because of this very reason. It isn’t an emo or goth thing. It’s what is inside.

*I became shy, with drawn and addicted to the world of starving and bingeing. I hated myself. EVERYTHING became my weight. It took over my life. And to this day I still cannot accept how I look.

*I refused to do speeches in front of the class at school. I failed high school in the end because I ended up in what they called, ‘The Reject Room’. How humiliating.

*My parents divorced when I was about 13. My father married a woman who disliked me and I used to spend half my time living with them and half with my mother. I had a fight with my step mother when I was 15 and totally moved out of my father’s house. I began to drink as I had the freedom to do so and got caught up in a drinking crowd. I found alcohol helped to overcome my shyness and made me feel numb from worrying about how I looked.

*My father took me to the U.S to see my granddad when I was 15.He put me on a diet the whole month and I lost a stone in weight and was normal. Boys suddenly started looking at me. So of course I began to associate thin with being attractive even more. I ended up bingeing and starving again though and put the whole lot back on.

*At 18 I became a barmaid and had moved out with my best friend.I was still drinking and partying a lot to forget my pain. I was goth by this time as well and could at least cover up my body with loose black clothing. It was weird though because I was trying to hide myself but by being goth all I did was attract attention as goth wasn’t well known here. There were hardly any of us. Only enough to have one gothic nightclub.

*At 19 I met John. We were together for 4 and a half years. He caused me to begin self harming badly by calling me fat, ugly and stupid every time he got drunk, which was daily. But there was a beautiful side to him and that’s why I stayed. It was hard though. I could not stop cutting. His insults became my pain and torment. I knew I was not worthy. That’s why I cut. I was blaming myself and hurting myself because I thought I deserved it. Even the drinking would not help.It actually made the self harming more severe. Most of my knife inflicted frenzies needed stitches but I was too scared the doctors would lock me up so I never got them and have welts as scars on my arms and legs. I only got stitches twice, I was so scared.

*I got pregnant at 20. It wasn’t an accident. I had such a fear John would leave me I wanted to have his baby so that at least if he did leave I would have a part of him. I could not believe he stayed. I gave up smoking and drinking the moment I found out I was pregnant. It was a turning point for me. I stopped self harming too. I just wanted my baby to be healthy. She was born 4 months after I turned 21.

*Life was hell. John would not stop drinking and I had to look after our baby all the time as he worked night shift and slept most days. Thank God I had my mother who would babysit and help out a lot.

* When Keeley was one I got one nights work at the bar. John was to babysit Keeley. I remember coming home one night and finding my baby almost choking in her own vomit after having a reaction to her yearly immunisation. John was passed out in bed. I should have left then. Knowing alcohol was more important than his own child’s welfare. But I stayed. I was as bad as him.

*We did break up for 6 weeks when Keeley was almost a year and a half old. But I loved him too much and he wanted to come back. Then we broke up again about 2 months before Keeley’s second birthday. I was working back full time at the bar by then. Keeley was in day care and mum was always nearby. John and I got on a lot better but he would not stop drinking. It was worse than ever. He had stolen money from my purse and had been sneaking alcohol behind my back when we were together. I saw him a lot though. He would come over to see Keeley and would visit me at work in the bar. I wondered when we would get back together. I had also lost some weight and was normal again. John noticed and wanted me more lol. I also had 3 other guys after me. Again it made me think that thinner was more attractive.

*Then John died in a fire. He came and saw me for free drinks at work, then took off to other pubs. He got back to his place and started cooking and fell asleep. He never got out alive. I was the last person to see him. Now I know why I felt a terrible feeling of loss as he left the bar that night. It was the last time I would ever see my love. I was 23 and he was 27.

*I lost something after that. I was never the same. All I did was drink, party, self harm and cry over John. It was terrible. I just wanted him back. Every time I looked at Keeley all I saw was him. I was so grateful I had her though. A part of him. I would write his name in blood on the nightclub toilet doors and walk home in the dark screaming his name. It was terrible and the loss I felt was unbearable. I tried to meet guys that looked like him. It was pathetic. I ended up on anti depressants. I think they made me worse actually as I developed a terrible temper while on them for 2 years.

“Still battling with my weight, I got addicted to the pill Rohypnol when I was 26. I lost 20 kilos and was finally thin. But it was bad. I lost my memory for almost the whole 2 years I was on them. One Roypnol is equal to 5 Valium. I was on 10 Rohypnol a day and they said I should have been dead as I was drinking as well. Let me say this though. Keeley was always still loved and well looked after. That’s one thing that never got affected. I refused to let her suffer and made sure she was always happy.

*Then I met my current husband Danny. What a mess that started out as. He was still getting over his marriage break down and I was still grieving over John. I was 27 and he was 29. I showed him real life though. I showed him, being a hippie at the time, that life wasn’t roses and soon he was wearing black and listening to my type of music. We drank and it wasn’t good. We fought a lot. The first time I self harmed with him he got such a fright. He had gone to bed and I cut a bit deep and freaked and ran to him for help. He was so scared that after that he refused to go to bed before me. Now he is fine because he understands why I do it even though he does not like it, he knows he cannot stop me.

* We married after only being together just over a year. By this time I was only 43kgs and my doc wasn’t going to let the wedding go ahead unless I started to eat more. Pfft yeah right.

*I took Danny and Keeley to see my father and ask if he wanted to come to the wedding. I was more wanting him to comment on how thin I had finally become. He said nothing. Nothing! The next day he called me and disowned me, saying he had to choose between her and me and he chose his wife. I was not very happy but had a feeling it would be this way. I never saw him again but anger must have built up over the years as I wrote him a letter a year ago just to let him know what he had done to me.

Here is the link if you are interested in reading it

http://gothgirl.glogster.com/Letter-To-My-EX-Father/

and here is the outcome of it all

http://gothgirl.glogster.com/Letter-To-My-FatherThe-Outcome/

*My marriage was the best day though and mum walked me down the aisle. She deserved to. We got married in a nightclub that I used to drag Danny  to almost every weekend. I stopped taking the Rohypnol a few months later as I couldn’t get them and they were becoming illegal. My hands shook for 9 months after I gave up.
*Over the next 15 years we have grown and settled down a lot. Danny gets depressed sometimes and so do I but I think it’s just a natural part of life. Things never seem to go as planned though. We renovated 2 houses and are in our third together now. He broke his heel 2 years ago and that changed a lot of things as he is not able to move freely like before and he was very active. We struggle on though.

*I guess the worst part of our marriage was bout a week before he broke his heel I realised he was still in love with his ex wife after being with me for 13 years, as he was seeking help to get over her. It almost killed me. I felt lied to and betrayed and it took a long time for me to forgive him. But he chose me in the end I guess as we are still together even though it hurts me every time he goes and sees his ex mother in law for coffee. Which he still does to this day. But what can I do? I will always wonder if he loves me 100% you know?

*That is basically my story. I still self harm I am not going to lie. But only when things get really,really bad. I still suffer with depression at times but deal with it. I drink now and then. But I am a lot better than I was except where my weight is concerned. I still do not like myself and still look in the mirror and see fat. I am normal weight now but hate it. And I still don’t eat all day then eat only at night time and still binge but not as much as I did. I try I really do. I went to see a psychologist but he was useless so I haven’t pursued it though I know I should.

*One last thing. I can’t say too much but weirdly enough my daughter ended up a lot like me. She got bullied at school. She has self harmed. She had no self esteem. She hated life. She went through a terrible trauma at 15 which caused her to be bulimic. But she was lucky. Because we got her professional help right away. And it saved her, along with our love and support. Now she knows she is beautiful. She eats normally. She has a lot of friends. She doesn’t self harm anymore. And she is finally happy and getting on with her life. I almost feel envious she could do it. And now I hear her say to me every time I feel unworthy...”Mum look at me and how I turned out. How could you ever think you were a failure?”  It always makes me smile because I know she is right. Not once did I ever put her down or push her away. She knew I was always there. Every day I told her how beautiful she was. It was her peers who ruined all my hard work but now she believes me finally and that’s what matters the most. And that’s what started me helping other teens. And I hope I can help one of you too.

Chat with me

You have nowhere to turn, and you feel like screaming or crying or closing the door to your room and never coming out again. That's where I come in. Vent to me. Tell me your troubles. My arms are always open for you.

Come and have a chat if you're feeling down. It just might make you feel a little better.

CStart Chatting Here